Who is worthy? Who among us is without sin?

4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" 11"No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." - John 8:4-11

I think many of us forget something that is probably the most important mindset that a Christian should have. The fact that none of us ever was or is worthy of anything and we deserve nothing. In the beginning of time at the fall of man when Adam and Eve introduced sin into this world the punishment was death which means that none of us breathing and living today should never have been given the opportunity to live. However, many us of go day in and day out thinking that we are doing things in our own strength or through our own righteousness, but in reality the very fact that we are able to breathe is by the grace of God. Everyone take a deep breath. Take a moment to think about that breath and reflect.That breath that you just took was because God has been gracious enough to give you that breath.
But like stubborn and ignorant children we ask God for signs of his existence and for God to grant us our wish in order for us to know that he is real. Don't we realize? God owes us nothing but we owe Him everything. There is nothing else that God needs to do for us. He has already given us life when we deserved death then on top of that He made the greatest sacrifice of all to send his one and only Son to die on the cross and STILL we ask God for more. We pray for blessing upon our lives and for comfort for our families. WHO among us is worthy of this grace? I think we can all come to the unanimous conclusion that it is none of us.
I love this passage with the first encounter Mary Madeline has with Jesus, right as she is about to be stoned I think Jesus does one of the most amazing things, more amazing than turning water into wine even. He shows us who we all really are with just one statement that implies one question, "Who among you is without Sin?" and we see that all can relate even 2000 years later because we realize that we are all with sin. We are Sinners, but we sometimes forget that in church. We think cause we come to church, serve, and lift up our hands during worship that somehow we no longer are sinners but when we actually stop to think about it we all know. We all know that we are the worst of all sinners just as Paul declared for himself. But I think whats worse is that people who look into church from the outside don't realize that the church is full of sinners. They stand in the outside and can't step in because they feel that no one else will be like them. That one else sins or doubts as much as they do when in reality its completely the opposite! We are not in church because we are righteous! We are there because we recognize how depraved and unworthy we are! Because we've come to realize that without Christ there is nothing, there is nothing for us in this world. We've tried to strive on our own, immerse ourselves in the pleasure of this world, pile our lives with work and worldly success and through it all we realize even more clearly that it is all rubbish without the Love of Christ.
I hope and I pray that we never forget the depths of darkness that we came from. That the world does not look at us from the outside and see a group of self righteous "holy" people but rather they see the brokenness in us. That they see a group of sinners just like them, a place where they can enter and be accepted and comforted. I can't stand to see someone so lost and so deceived by the devil that they think they do not deserve Christ, when in reality...there is no one on earth who deserves Him, that is why it's called Grace.

What is a Man? and What is Love?

My Dad always had his 1 line theories about what a man is supposed to be, "A man never lies", "A man keeps his word", "A man takes care of a woman", "A man finishes what he started"...etc etc etc. Whenever I did something that wasn't "man" like he would whip out one of these one liners and put me in place. I guess since I've been hearing these since I was a kid and my family being so "male" dominated I grew up believing in these words. Lately I've been thinking about what it really means to be a "man" and what it really means to love.
I've been watching a lot of movies on TNT because I was on vacation for a week and TNT was playing back to back movies during the holiday weekend. All these movies for some reason were so inspiring and it showed the courage of "men". Ladder 49 is about a fire fighter who dies saving a life. When he met his wife she says something ,"You know..thats pretty cool.. when everyone is running away you run in". Is that what defines a man? Courage? That when things are going wrong we won't run from it but we face it head on. The other movie that got to me was Cinderella Man. A movie about a real boxer during the depression and how he fights and becomes the hope of a nation. In one of the scenes his youngest son gets sick because he can't pay for the heating bill. His wife Mae sends the children away to their Aunts and the father comes home and finds his children gone and the look of defeat in his face was just heart breaking. And he says to his wife "I looked straight into his eyes outside the butchers and I promised him. I promised him that no matter what I would never send him away.." (speaking about his son). Then he doesn't say a word and walks out goes to the relief bank and borrows money for the first time in his life. Then he goes to Madison Sq Garden where all his old "friends" are playing cards and goes around receiving change from them to pay the heating bill. UGH. I almost cried. It reminded me of times when someone's word had so much weight. When a promise actually meant something. I can't imagine having to take care of a whole family. When the decisions that I make not only effect me but it effects the lives of my children and wife.

I think back to my own family and my own dad. Coming to this country with nothing. Starting a church with only like 30 people max at the highest point of the ministry, doing it for 10 years while raising 2 kids. Watching your wife work 12 hrs a day for 6 days, driving delivery trucks for the cleaners during the day and prepping sermons at night. I don't know if I have the heart to serve God that faithfully while probably feeling as if I'm failing my family. Another scene in Cinderella Man is where the boxer's manager's wife and his wife is sitting and drinking tea. One woman asks the other "Can you stop your (referring to husbands) when they set their mind on something?" and the wife answer "I sure can try.." and the other womans answers "I don't know how they do it. Everyday they go on feeling as though they have failed us". UGH. hahah. Just breaks my heart and I worry that I'll one day be in that position and how I would be able to handle it. I can't imagine the sadness and despair a man would feel not being able to take care of his family.

Shin and I went to Boston the other week and we talked a lot about relationships and love seeing that the place we stayed was one of our friends who just got married. We reflected on how we've lived and the relationships that we've been in. We realized we made so many empty promises. The words "I love you" was used so easily and promises like "no i'll always be there" or "i'll take care of you don;t worry" things like that and we reflect back now realize that we've broken many hearts as well. I don't think its because we were liars we said the things we said. However, I don't think we knew what we were saying and the weight of what it really meant. We were...too young to even realize. I always joke that the girls prime ends at age 25 and guys prime begins at age 25. I don't really know bout the girl thing but for a guy I think its relatively true. Before really living in the "real" world I don't think we know enough or have experienced enough to understand what it really means to take care of someone or love someone. I watched all these movies prior to this weekend but this weekend it really made me think deeper into what it means. I understood what the words really meant. Shin said that his idea of Love is a decision that he makes. That when he says it next it'll really mean forever. I thought about this and I think in a way its true. Love may start with butterflies in the stomach or a crush but at the end its a decision we need to make. When there is no food on the table will we love? When there is no heat, no good times, when things all crumble will we love?

I believe the Love that God showed us and that Jesus showed us was a decision. God decided not out of emotion but out of love to send his one and only Son to save us. Jesus decided not because of the butterflies in his stomach but out of love to be beaten and hung on that cross. I think so many people divorce or cheat now a days because they don't understand the weight of the words they spoke when they said "I do" and "I love you". I'm still not 100% sure what it is to be a "man" or what it is to truly "love" but I think God is slowly showing me even through movies that it really means one thing...sacrifice. Sacrificing our own pride, our own standards, sometimes even our self respect which is a huge thing for guys. Shrugs...who knows..this can be a never ending thought...

Charismatic Christianity

"The term "Charismatic Movement" is sometimes confused with the term "charismatic." The word "charismatic" is an umbrella term used to describe Christians both Protestant and Catholic who believe that the manifestations of the Holy Spirit such as the ones seen in the first century Christian church (see e.g. the book of Acts ), such as miracles, prophecy, and glossolalia (speaking in other tongues or languages), are available to contemporary Christians and may be experienced and practiced today. The "baptism of the Holy Spirit" is central to the movement. However, the speaking in tongues is not part of the initial evidence but later developed. It is important to the movement to revive the gifts such as healing, tongues, interpretation of tongues and prophecy as part of ministry since the gifts seem to have been neglected by the church. The word "charismatic" is derived from the Greek word χάρισμα ("gift," itself derived from χάρις, "grace" or "favor") which is the term used in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 12-14. By definition, a charismatic should be a joyful, grace-gifted Christian. The "Charismatic Movement," however, expresses the arrival of spiritual gifts in the historic mainline denominations." - Wikipedia

Today I want to speak a little about Charismactic Christianity and my thoughts on such things. It may get controversial because everyone has different opinions about it but this is my opinion. I was speaking to my brother and he was telling me about how Charismatics are starting to influence his church and how he felt the a twist in his gut, a feeling that something wasn't right. I feel this way many times about Charismactic Christianity as well. I believe many people desire to do the right thing. They grow up all their lives and hear about how we need to be radical for Christ and how it's ALL IN or nothing, but we see ourselves day after day falling short of such a calling. We grow up and see people crying, screaming, speaking in tongues, wailing, and dancing around crazily around us during a retreat or revival and we ask ourselves "Why not me? Is God not with me?" And people grow up with this heartful desire to WANT to be in the spirit yet with the guilt of not being able to do so.

I believe this is a perfect medium for Charismaticism to overwhelm some Christians today. I remember when I was first born again and filled with the Spirit my mind was blown. I was so excited. I wanted everyone to come to Christ and know what I know. Nothing else mattered to me. I served every ministry I can serve in. I cried all the time. I talked to random people on the street about Jesus. I spoke up in class and preached in middle of a college lecture. I did "Crazy" charismatic things. Then, I crashed and burned. Slowly as I matured in faith I understood what it meant to be steady and calm in Christ. However, some people fall into Charismaticism because for all there lives they've longed to be "Crazy" for God and when the spirit first hits them the emotion that it invokes and the genuine surge that comes over them (desire to read, desire to pray, desire to fast, etc) is just overwhelming and Charismaticism is the best and most accepting way of expressing it. But it can lead to such a dangerous road.

I am not saying Charismaticism and spiritual gifts are irrevelant, they are vital parts of the Christian walk and Christian faith. However, we need to be able to understand and control our gifts from God not let it control us. I hear many Charismatic christians talk about movements, spirit of this or spirit of that, the revival that broke up here and there, the prophecies that are posted on the web by any who feels they have a divine prophecy from God, visions, dreams, voices, demons, possessions, and etc. All these things in itself can be good, but when it becomes the sole foundation of our Christianity and the way that we worship it leads to a foundation on too many emotions and humanistic things. If God does not show you a vision are you not filled with the Spirit any longer? If you can't speak in tongues does that mean you are not near God? If God decides not to move and no revivals break out have we sinned? Don't we know? God is always moving. Whether it manifests into a physical sign God is moving. God is always here. God is always with us.

Another common thing I hear about Charismaticism is the talk of "going back to the church of Acts" and being "Raw" for God or even sins are labelled something fantastic like "Spirit of Jezebel". Jezebel is dead. Her spirit does not attack us till this day. Although it doesn't sound as glamorous, this sin is plainly called lust and it comes from the sinful nature of our natural hearts. All these things to me in my opinion are such hype ups and it glamorizes Christianity so people can be fascinated about it. It is true. There are many things that we need to learn from the church of Acts. But let's read further into the Bible. Is the church of Corinth and the church of Ephesus just like the first church of Acts? And if it wasn't did it NEED to be? No, we focus too much on one aspect of the Bible and glamorize it into something that people can believe in. When you go to Africa you see the need for a lot of Charismatic tactic in spiritual warfare because it is such a "raw" place. Black Magic, demonism, voodoo, and all these other spirits show themselves through demon possessions, blood sacrifices, chants, and etc. Satan attacks these people in a different way. In America another, and China another. Therefore the point I am trying to make is the fact that we don't need to go back to the Church of Acts. The church of Acts did the things that they did because of the spiritual warfare that they were facing called for it. I am also all down for being "Raw" and intense for God but I think it is more important to "Genuine" and consistent before God. I have seen more people come to genuine love for the Lord through quiet discipleships and Bible studies than I did in the emotion packed Revivals and screamings prayers of charismaticism.

In conclusion I believe spiritual gifts and passion for the Lord is more than important. It is a tool set of weapons that God gives us to lift one another up and protect ourselves from this Spiritual warfare that we are called to fight. It is real. I have seen it, but I am saying that it needs to be better understood and controlled. I was at a revival once and a charismatic girl was filled with the spirit and she started to speak in tongues and roll around the ground crying and praying. Then the music ended and lights turned on and it was time for the sermon. But she wouldn't stop. Some people see this and say "Oh the spirit is moving in her!" but its because immature Christians are too immature to understand that the girl is immature. Spiritual gifts although "raw" at first must be honed and grown. Just like a pro basketball player can have the natural ability to jump and shoot. The player must practice for hours and hours and unleash their natural talent. A mature Christian can be filled with the spirit and not show one outward sign of it at all, but have maturity to unleash it when it is needed. We need to understand that God is an orderly God, although untamed and able to do all, God works in order. He created the heavens and the earth on his schedule including even a day of rest, as if God needs rest!

So I hope as we all grow and mature in Christ, it won't be because of movements, gifts, or any outwardly shown actions. Rather its a deep understanding of the grace that we received. That even if I don't see one ounce of something "grand" we will still follow God. That even if our lives are crumbling around us and we don't "feel" God, the foundation of the fact that God has died for us on the cross is enough to withhold us and our faith in Him, that in HIS time he will deliver us. Let's be mature Christians who can harness the raw power that God has given us through the spirit to unleash it in the times needed, not need it in order to confirm our relationship to God.

God's Whip

When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, "Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father's house into a market!"


Sometimes I ask for it. No not sometimes...all the time. I have, ever since I was born again had times where I just push God to the edge and I know an ass whooping is on its way. When I was less mature in my faith I didn't realize what I was doing I was just angry, bitter, burnt out, rebellious, and frustrated. Just like a kid I stormed off, yelled, screamed, and said EFF YOU! Then God came and kicked my ass and made me realize that I'm a fool. I've gone through these stages many times and now I am mature enough to realize that God is just waiting. Waiting...for me to either come back quietly or because He loves me he's preparing the whip to bring me back.

People always think Jesus is Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. I love you no matter what you do. And He is. But this one passage always remind me of a different Jesus. There are two types of Anger. One type of reckless pure emotional and explosive at the moment. Then there is another type of Anger. The calm storm. The meditated. The decision to unleash the fury. This type of anger is FAR scarier than the first. Jesus shows this type of anger in this passage. After seeing the corruptions of the Jewish people Jesus doesn't just emotionally unleash. No he goes back. Sits there thinks about who is where, how he's going to whip them and hand makes a whip to get the job done.

 I imagine God like this sometimes. He knows that my mind and heart is going astray and he can come down on me any time. But instead he waits. Sometimes he whispers. He warns. But the further out I go. The more prideful and stubborn I get in the back of my mind I smile and worry at the same time. I picture God in heaven making his whip...but not out of anger but out of loving discipline. It's a weird feeling and mixed emotion. One of knowing that God will never let me stray too far and another of the fear of the whipping that is to come.

Lately things just haven't been working out. Little things as cloggin my toilet in the morning then forgettin my wallet and id at home and being late to work 1hr. It's just frustrating. I got my dining set that shipment was messed up on so I had to wait 4 weeks then it comes damaged. Things like that are just frustrating but I see these as a little signs from God letting me know that I'm far from him and that I need to go back. God...give me wisdom and discipline.

Freedom

For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. - 1 Peter 2:15-17

I've been watching the History channel a lot lately and for reason there's been a special on Nazi America and the freedom of Speech and freedom of Religion constitutions that they use to protect themselves from the law for all the ridiculous things they preach. Many Nazi Americans believe that Jesus is white and that Jews are the childen of Satan and Blacks are half breeds. Also they believe that Jerusalem should be bombed and that America is the new Jerusalem. These teachings and talk about a "Free World" just boggles my mind. How can people misinterpret freedom so much?

Many people today believe that having no rules, no laws, no inhibition, and no responsibility is freedom. I think like this sometimes as well. I want to leave all the things that bind me to this place and pack my bags and head out west with my snowboard and a tent. Just live a "Free" life. But is this really freedom? Being pysched out on drugs. Drinking so much and passing out. Smoking so that the problems of this world can disappear? I don't think this is freedom at all. Its the chains of the devil and it inhibits our minds to focus on God. It distracts us from doing what we were called to do. The freedom that God promised us was the cross. Many people don't want to carry it and think that its no freedom at all but that's what it is. Our freedom came at a price.

My favorite part of the passage is this, "Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God". I feel that this portrays Christianity in one simple sentence. Yes, we are free but let's not use "freedom" as an excuse to do whatever we want with no laws or inhibitions, but as free men let's chose to live as a servant of God.

Yes, Here I am.

"Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you." - Genesis 22:2-5

We all know this story but I think the best thing about the Bible is that it speaks to you with the same stories and same words in so many different ways. You can read it over and over again and its always a different conviction that comes through. Lately my minds been foggy and everything so routine. My conviction to read the word and to pray was slowly dying out and I found myself enjoying TV and wine more than I did God's word. But reading this short passage today God reminded me of something. Following Christ is not so complicated. Sometimes, its easy as saying the three letter word "Yes".

In this passage you see such a simple act of obedience to such a mind boggling request. God asks Abraham to go up to the mountain and sacrifice his one and only son. The promised child from God. The child that is to bear Abraham decendants more numerous than the stars and sands on the beach. If it was me I would yell at God and ask him if he was crazy. Tell him it doesn't make any sense and that its the most retarded thing I've ever heard. But Abraham, maybe this is why he is called the father of faith, just wakes up next morning packs his donkey and brings his Son to sacrifice. There is no arguement. There is no yelling. There is no question for logic or reason. There is just obedience.

I am an arguer. There is no question about it. I'm a fighter. If something isn't right I will fight for justice. If something is wrong I will fight for righteousness. If something is unfair I will fight for equality. If something doesn't make sense I will fight for logic and reason. My parents always said if I studied at all when I was younger I shouldve been a lawyer. Too bad I didn't study...eff. But through this passage I realize something...why do I fight so much? Why do I argue and want an answer? I believe its pride. Sometimes...people make mistakes. Sometimes God asks us to do ridiculous things. Sometimes there is no known reason. Why does there have to be? God is in control. God promises us that the yoke is light and that He is the great I AM. That to love our enemies because it will be Him who brings justice.

I want to be able to just say, "Yes. Here I am". Instead of "No, whats the reason for this. This doesn't make sense. Explain to me the purpose of this." It's just so much easier to trust God and let him show me His glory. God...give me peace and wisdom, Here I am.

The Heart of a Leader...

This weekend was the annual girls flag football tournament that I coach for my church. Unfortunately we lost and didn't even get into the semi-finals or anything like that. It was a mixture of all things bad refs, missed catches, missed flags, miscues on coaching, and every other variables that could come up. But for me especially it got me thinking a lot and I was pretty devastated. Not only because we lost but because I know how much time, effort, heart, and hopes that my girls put into this tournament and to end in such a way with no climax my heart broke for them. I felt like Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt promising them a land full of milk and honey then...wandering around the desert for 40 years and dying right before entering the promised land. So close...but not quite enough.

Then I started to think of all the leaders that I've heard of (i love armies and generals etc) and what it must of felt like. For Napoleon to lead his army across Europe only to have his men freeze to death and die from disease or for Japanese samurai's in the movie The Last Samurai to lead their men with swords and arrows to go against the machine guns of the white men. Knowing that they will die. Atleast...in the Japanese culture the leaders could kill themselves and not face going back in defeat. I really couldn't imagine going back to GCC with such a loss...and I couldn't even look at my girls in the eye because I felt I failed to lead them to the tangible reward of their effort. I can't even fathom Napoleon riding back to France with more than half his army dead or injured. I wonder what that ride back into the city would have been like. I probably wouldve chosen the Japanese way out if I wasn't Christian.

But I remember my Jesus. I envy him, because He is the only one that can 100% guarantee that your efforts will not be in vain. That the amount of effort you put into His kingdom, maybe you wont receive it on Earth, but in heaven you will receive the reward in full. Humanistically, I don't know if I have the heart to push someone so hard knowing in the back of my mind I may fail to deliver it. But in Christ, I can do my best to lead not because I can deliver anything but because through me Jesus can deliver all.

Why do you eat?

Lately i've been eating really well. I went to Boston on a business trip and basically...business trips are 50% work and 50% food tour for me. I love being able to go to a different city or a country and try all the delicacies that city has to offer. For example, when I was in China I probably tried every type of soup dumpling and fried rice dish East Coast China had to offer, Shanghai dumpling, Yangzhou dumpling, Wuxi dumpling, Cixi dumpling and the list goes on. For some reason...in China every city is "famous" for their style of dumpling or fried rice or pork or beef or something. So...how can I NOT try?? I mean...its famous for God Sakes.

But whenever I gorge on these expensive and delicious meals of mine something that my friend Benjamin, a seminarian from Tanzania who passed away last year, asked me during one of my meals rings in the back of my head. He asked, "David, do you eat to live? Or live to eat?". At the moment when he asked me (i didnt know him too well then) I thought to myself, "Wtf is this guy talking about?" But the more I thought about it the more i realized how deep the simple question was.

In Africa at the seminary all the seminarians eat there for 3 years of schooling is this corn mash called Oogali. It's not even sweet corn it literally looks like mash potatoes just doesn't have any taste. It comes with baked beans and spinich or cabbage on the side. You eat it with your hands and massage it into a ball dip it in the baked bean sauce and eat it. We ate like this for about 6 weeks most of the time and it was horrible. The thought of eating like that for 3 years...its unfathomable. But the question asks such a deeper question. "Do you eat to LIVE or live to EAT?" essential is asking us the question, "Why do you live?". Do we live to become a doctor or a lawyer or a famous designer? Or do we do those things simply to be a tent maker (Paul made tents during his ministry to support himself financially), and live to serve God?

I feel like many times I forget about God. I think about the next great meal I'm going to have. I think about the next snowboard gear I want to buy. I think about the next new experience I'm going to try but do we live to do those things? I want to do be someone who eats to live. I want to be someone that is a tent maker so that I can LIVE to be a kingdom worker. I don't want to HAVE TO have my job in order to survive. I don't want to HAVE TO make money to eat great meals or buy nice things. I want to live as if I have nothing except the Lord because all things I have comes from the Lord. He gives and He takes away, Naked i came from my mothers womb and naked I will go. God, be all of me. I don't want to live foolishly living in order to eat, rather just eat to live for you.

I Want to be like the Moon

I have always loved the skies and the stars because of there beauty. The last few days it has been a full moon. I remember when I was in 8th grade I went on a family reunion in the mountains of California and I went hiking in the night times with my cousins. There I saw the stars and the moon like I've never seen it before in the dirty skies of jersey. It was so bright and I even got to see 2 shooting stars back to back. That's when I realized...theres things much bigger than I imagined and I longed to see more.

I, however, have certain fascination with the moon, especially full moons. I heard in a sermon awhile back that blew my mind. The pastor spoke about how we are all like the moon. The moon is just a ball of dust it radiates no heat and it shines no light. It's really not good for anything except one thing, it reflects. The moon is used to light this whole earth when it's dark and the only way that it can accomplish this is by reflecting the Sun's light from the other side of the earth. This is the same with us I feel like. We have nothing to offer and we have no particular skill that we can bring to God and say that we are "self made". We are just like the moon...just a pile of dust but we can do one thing and that is to reflect Christ on to this dark world.

Everytime I look up at the Moon I think, " I am nothing without Christ" because without Christ I would make no significant impact on this world. I have nothing great to offer except myself to be used by Christ and to be His moon onto this dark world. God...choose me and use me.

10 Things I learned this week...

So its been my first "full" week that I've lived at my new place on my own and there are definitely new things I've learned and somethings that I knew would happen but realized...after actually living it...it sucks. LoL Here they are .

1. Do the dishes right away...or it'll crust and be harder -__-...eff
2. 50% of the time that you're at home will be spent cleaning (dishes, counter tops, rooms, closet, floors etc)
3. Having guests over is great! Cleaning after guests leave...not so great
4. It costs A LOT of money to fill a house...food, furniture, kitchenware, desk, chairs, etc
5. Waking up early to make breakfast is rough (thanks umma for doing it for 25 years)
6. Packing lunch to save cash is no bueno
7. Writing the checks for Mortgage, Condo Fees, and Utilities all in one sitting...much sadness
8. Taking out Recycling sucks
9. Taking out the Trash sucks even more
10. Playing Wii is fun, waking up next morning with sore muscles...not so fun.

Hahah. All in all although my list sounds so negative...I am glad to be on my own. Finally I feel like I am not taking things for granted. I always want to feel as if I'm working for what I am getting. Living at home I felt my mind and body so comfortable that I felt like a spoiled child. Now, doing things on my own and being my own "man" I feel sharper and more responsible. I hope God keeps teaching me discipline, organization, responsibility, and character through this process.

Leadership vs Management

I'm taking a Organizational Management course for my MBA and this topic of Leadership VS. Management caught my attention and got me thinking. There is always a controversy over these two words. Can you manage without leading? Or Can you lead without managing? In the most extreme ends of spectrum, where its black or white, managers are people who are just concerned about getting things done and trying to get others to just perform. Leaders on the other hand value flexibility and are concerned with what things mean to people.

Scholars Bennis and Nanus (no idea who they are but supposedly researched this topic) quotes "managers are people who do things right and leaders are people who do the right thing". As my college ministry days slowly come to an end I look back at my leadership throughout the last 6 years of ministry and I wonder what I was. In the perfect world, as I wrote in my MBA class discussion paper, I think a "leader" and "manager" can benefit one another. To just be a leader or just be a manager is too black or white. There are benefits and downsides to both.

In many churches now a days I see the biggest down fall as being a lack of management. There are great spiritual leaders and great speakers but many times what falls short is a lack of logistics, planning, preparation, and professionalism. I always here the excuse " God will take care of it". I think when we look deep within ourselves, we can see that this saying, although it should come from an absolute faith in God's sovereignty, it comes from a core of carelessness. In ministries I see that when someone is careless it is so easily accepted everything is "OK" everything is "Oh, no problem I understand". Everything is always , "Don't worry God forgives".

I know. I know God is sovereign. I know God is Good. I know God forgives. But, knowing all this for me, I already also know that even if I do 100% I will still never be good enough. Knowing this I understand grace. That no matter how much I try I am a fallen man. That no matter how much I want to I will never be able to reach heaven on my own. It is only by the grace of God because of his mercy that I even breathe. Isn't it from this knowledge that an outflow of effort comes? Why do we wait and make God give 100% all the time? I want to be able to give as much as I can even if it means its only 2% and God has to offer me another 98%. But I hope that this doesn't make me into a Martha. Or just a "get the job done" type of a person.

I think, I hope that I've been both a manager and a leader. That I've inspired the people I've met and that the ministry I've done has brought someone closer to God. That I've understood people. But sometimes, I think I've been more of a manager than a leader. That I've run around like Martha planning events and running meetings. I wonder if there will ever be a perfect balance. Where leaders in church will understand how to manage better and managers in the corporate world will learn how to lead better.

I want to mature and understand this balance.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12

I was reading last night and I came upon such a simple but profound verse, Romans 12:12. Usually I always remember Romans 12:2 (do not conform any longer...etc) because its such a popular and powerful verse. But yesterday I was drawn to this short and seemingly insignificant verse.

If you go back to the passage and read it in entirety you understand that the whole passage is about love. I think lately I've been lacking love. Love for the people around me, love for God's work, love for God himself. As I run around and try to take on this world I forgot joy of just loving and being loved by God. I feel myself more drawn to the world and I see that my actions and my words don't portray the deep love I have for the Lord. Rather I seem to keep it hidden and let it out only in private times. This passage I feel is a gentle nudge from the Lord to refocus.

here is beginning of the passage...

9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

- Dave

Nostalgia and a New start

Today I got home today and took a walk down memory lane. My childhood is only about a 15 minute walk from my new place. This is where Shin and I met as second or third graders, where I got into my fights with Eric Zimmer, where Shin and I used to run around and egg houses, steal crommies off cars, play roller hockey, play manhunt and just be kids (now that I think of it...I'm kind of scared of the kids living here...crap...i hope they don't egg my house...)

29 Cosgrove Ct. my families first real home.













This was basically where I lived out my childhood













Bball Court by my house...







As I was walking back to my house I realized time goes by so fast. I never would've dreamed that I would be back where I started. In the same neighborhood 20 some years later. I always thought I'd be somewhere grand. Doing something big. But nope, just back in good ole jerz. In the same ole neighborhood I grew up in. God really does work in mysterious ways.

- Dave

Is God pleased with me?

I'm sitting in my first home and everything is so quiet. Although many say in a few weeks it'll be lonely, for me and for now I welcome the peace that it brings, I finally feel that I can hear myself think for the first time in months. My mind finally feels calm and my body feels soothed from the quietness of the whole house.

The chilliness of the room and the coolness of the glass desk that I set up for myself seems refreshing to my soul and I welcome all of it with a sigh of relief. Finally, I can relax. The last few weeks have been a mind boggling experience. Grad school, teaching design part time, working full time, college retreat, girls football, and everything else in between my mind was on the verge of shutting down. The first night of the college retreat, I, for the first time in my life, blanked out. I couldn't even remember the names of the cell group leaders that have been working with me for last 2 years. Complete shut down.

I wonder sometimes, if I am trying to become an over achiever. When God called me I wanted my whole life to be for him. I didn't want to waste anymore time. But tonight in my quiet and cool house as my mind starts to clear, I ask myself the question, "Is God pleased with me?".
Are all my efforts in vain? Which one of my pursuits are selfish and which one of my pursuits is for the kingdom? I had dinner with a few friends tonight and it was really difficult. I was put into a position where myself, David Lee, of the flesh and my spirit was battling and a decision had to be made. Am I gonna chose a good time or am I going to chose what my heart told me was right? Everytime I'm in a situation like this my heart really aches. My mind becomes so tired and I wish I really wish that this walk that I've chosen could be simpler and easier. But I have to keep asking myself this question, "Is God pleased with me?"

I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and realize, that I was fooling myself. That the things that I've pursued and the decisions that I've made were not what God wanted me to pursue. That I've fooled myself or deceived myself without even knowing. Many people have many nightmares but this is mine. That God would not be pleased with me. That I've lived this life that He's given me for my own. That my selfish desires of the flesh has taken me. I do not want fame. I do not want recognition. I do not want some status. I want to know that God is pleased with the things I've done.

This house, this job, this ministry, this life. That all these things at the end of the day God will see it and be pleased. That all these things were not because of my selfish desires but because of the grace of God that he has blessed me with it. That he saw that I was responsible with one talent therefore He has given me responsibility over 5 talents. That my master is pleased with His servant.

In conclusion after all this thought I realize one simple truth. I need to pray more. Why am I so insecure?