I forget that God loves me.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. [...] And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and stead fast. To HIM be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Peter 5:6-10

 

Through my fast I'm learning so much and realizing so much about myself. But most importantly I think I've realized that I've forgotten that God loves me, "Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you...", God loves me. Too many times I think to myself "Why God! Why do you let this happen!" or "Why are you putting me through this sh*t with my health, with my work, with my finances, etc etc etc" and I get pissed at Him and bitter and angry. But this passage humbled me, that God doesn't want the worst for me, He wants the best for me. He cares for me.

 

How is that a God that has the power to raise the dead can care for someone like me? He cares for my heart and wants the best for me. It is me who rebels and it is me who pushes Him away but He is jealous for me. He disciplines out of love not out of hate. Our God is a God who cares for us. Even in hardships that he allows He only allows us to suffer just a little while before He restores us with his love and mighty grace to make us that much stronger.

 

I realized another thing about myself. I don't know how to understand being loved or cared for. I don't feel as if I deserve it or maybe I think lowly of myself. I always think I'm on my own...independant...that no one thinks of me so I need to survive on my own and fight for my rights. Maybe its the scars and insecurities left from being picked on and having to fight for myself since I was young...or maybe its the 2nd child syndrome of always trying to get attention or love when being under the shadow of the smart, nice, obedient older brother...who really knows I haven't figure it out yet...but I've realized I always want to be justified. I always want to make sure I'm not being wronged and if I feel like I am I'll express it.

 

I need to realize I'm loveable. I know that probably sounds gay...but I need to know and believe that God loves me that I'm not just His work horse but His beloved Son. That people do care for me and I'm not in this world alone just caring for other people and not being cared for back. I am loved and I am cared for. I am not alone. I can relax...I don't need to fight everytime I feel disrespected or wronged.

 

God is rocking me and I'm happy to be rocked...I've been waking up anxious for the last 5 days...literally just scared and nervous that I would get dizzy. I felt like I wanted to run away to the mountains or something. But now I realize...God was just chasing me that God loves me and wants the best for me. Come world! I'm ready to face you head on again!