Blank Canvas

A blank canvas can be one of the most intimidating things. Most people are so intimidated by it that they'll paint a layer of light pale color with brush strokes to cover up the canvas before even sketching on it or painting it. I think its because White seems so perfect, so pure, that to do anything to it you'd feel like you're going to mess it up. The first paint stroke or the first line...you're afraid to mess up.

Today I looked at a sheet of paper...a blank white paper...for nearly 3-4 hrs. I drew a line i crumbled it up and threw it away. Drew another line and threw it away. People know of writers block but not many experience sketchers block. As an artist you're trained to see things, to envision it, know every line, where its going to go and what combination of lines and colors are going to bring about a design or a drawing. As wood workers or carpenters you do a drafting, you plan out each step, each screw, and you know within a certain project time span if you hit every milestone you'll complete you're piece.

But when you can't see it, when you can't envision it in your mind....then you're screwed. You just end up drawing random lines in random places...you get stressed then the stress makes you less able to see. Then it consumes you and you can't get anything right. Then anxiety comes...because you don't know what its supposed to look like. You can't see it in you're head. I'm like this with everything...maybe its the way I was brought up. Maybe this is the way I was trained for 4 years as a designer. You give me a situation or a problem my mind starts churning, schedules start forming, and every step of the problem starts to show itself. I enjoy it. It's the way I think and plan and get things done...but lately I can't see. I don't know whats going to happen. I feel like I'm just staring at a blank canvas and it scares me a little bit. I see people so relaxed and laid back...not worrying about whats to come and I get jealous...yeh...who really cares...whats the big deal? But in my head everything goes so fast and I see this problem and that problem and this has to be done and that has to be done and to do nothing...makes me more anxious to do something, anything...

God's teaching me this...He is in control. My faith is too small. I keep trying to see, to envision, to plan, and to execute but in reality...my mind is too small to fathom and see the way He sees. I am not the potter. I am not the painter. He is. I'm the pen. I keep fooling myself to think that I'm the designer...the creative one...the planner...the visionary...but no...He is. I'm just the tool. Why am I anxious? Why am I scared? Why do I get upset...I'm just the pen...I move when He moves me. I create when He creates through me. I have purpose when He uses me.

God forgive me today for always trying to take control of my life and of the lives of people around me. I don't know how to change my mind and my emotions and it drives me nuts sometimes and probably the people around me. But thank you for making me realize my arrogance and foolishness. Give me peace that transcends all understanding because with out you I can't handle anything in this world. I am you're pen, use me to create something meaningful to impact this world.