Blank Canvas

A blank canvas can be one of the most intimidating things. Most people are so intimidated by it that they'll paint a layer of light pale color with brush strokes to cover up the canvas before even sketching on it or painting it. I think its because White seems so perfect, so pure, that to do anything to it you'd feel like you're going to mess it up. The first paint stroke or the first line...you're afraid to mess up.

Today I looked at a sheet of paper...a blank white paper...for nearly 3-4 hrs. I drew a line i crumbled it up and threw it away. Drew another line and threw it away. People know of writers block but not many experience sketchers block. As an artist you're trained to see things, to envision it, know every line, where its going to go and what combination of lines and colors are going to bring about a design or a drawing. As wood workers or carpenters you do a drafting, you plan out each step, each screw, and you know within a certain project time span if you hit every milestone you'll complete you're piece.

But when you can't see it, when you can't envision it in your mind....then you're screwed. You just end up drawing random lines in random places...you get stressed then the stress makes you less able to see. Then it consumes you and you can't get anything right. Then anxiety comes...because you don't know what its supposed to look like. You can't see it in you're head. I'm like this with everything...maybe its the way I was brought up. Maybe this is the way I was trained for 4 years as a designer. You give me a situation or a problem my mind starts churning, schedules start forming, and every step of the problem starts to show itself. I enjoy it. It's the way I think and plan and get things done...but lately I can't see. I don't know whats going to happen. I feel like I'm just staring at a blank canvas and it scares me a little bit. I see people so relaxed and laid back...not worrying about whats to come and I get jealous...yeh...who really cares...whats the big deal? But in my head everything goes so fast and I see this problem and that problem and this has to be done and that has to be done and to do nothing...makes me more anxious to do something, anything...

God's teaching me this...He is in control. My faith is too small. I keep trying to see, to envision, to plan, and to execute but in reality...my mind is too small to fathom and see the way He sees. I am not the potter. I am not the painter. He is. I'm the pen. I keep fooling myself to think that I'm the designer...the creative one...the planner...the visionary...but no...He is. I'm just the tool. Why am I anxious? Why am I scared? Why do I get upset...I'm just the pen...I move when He moves me. I create when He creates through me. I have purpose when He uses me.

God forgive me today for always trying to take control of my life and of the lives of people around me. I don't know how to change my mind and my emotions and it drives me nuts sometimes and probably the people around me. But thank you for making me realize my arrogance and foolishness. Give me peace that transcends all understanding because with out you I can't handle anything in this world. I am you're pen, use me to create something meaningful to impact this world.

I forget that God loves me.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. [...] And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and stead fast. To HIM be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Peter 5:6-10

 

Through my fast I'm learning so much and realizing so much about myself. But most importantly I think I've realized that I've forgotten that God loves me, "Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you...", God loves me. Too many times I think to myself "Why God! Why do you let this happen!" or "Why are you putting me through this sh*t with my health, with my work, with my finances, etc etc etc" and I get pissed at Him and bitter and angry. But this passage humbled me, that God doesn't want the worst for me, He wants the best for me. He cares for me.

 

How is that a God that has the power to raise the dead can care for someone like me? He cares for my heart and wants the best for me. It is me who rebels and it is me who pushes Him away but He is jealous for me. He disciplines out of love not out of hate. Our God is a God who cares for us. Even in hardships that he allows He only allows us to suffer just a little while before He restores us with his love and mighty grace to make us that much stronger.

 

I realized another thing about myself. I don't know how to understand being loved or cared for. I don't feel as if I deserve it or maybe I think lowly of myself. I always think I'm on my own...independant...that no one thinks of me so I need to survive on my own and fight for my rights. Maybe its the scars and insecurities left from being picked on and having to fight for myself since I was young...or maybe its the 2nd child syndrome of always trying to get attention or love when being under the shadow of the smart, nice, obedient older brother...who really knows I haven't figure it out yet...but I've realized I always want to be justified. I always want to make sure I'm not being wronged and if I feel like I am I'll express it.

 

I need to realize I'm loveable. I know that probably sounds gay...but I need to know and believe that God loves me that I'm not just His work horse but His beloved Son. That people do care for me and I'm not in this world alone just caring for other people and not being cared for back. I am loved and I am cared for. I am not alone. I can relax...I don't need to fight everytime I feel disrespected or wronged.

 

God is rocking me and I'm happy to be rocked...I've been waking up anxious for the last 5 days...literally just scared and nervous that I would get dizzy. I felt like I wanted to run away to the mountains or something. But now I realize...God was just chasing me that God loves me and wants the best for me. Come world! I'm ready to face you head on again!

Christian Economics

¹⁹Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Most of us hear from a young age that Grace is Free, that if we just say that we believe in Jesus then He comes and rescues us and we are free people. we won't go to hell. Basic economics however teaches us so differently. In economics there is a general rule, "Nothing is free". Give aways, promotional items, gifts, and etc may be free to consumer but it is never "free", someone paid the cost. It also aligns with the fact the we can never get "something from nothing".

When we think about worldly and secular things this concept is logical and makes so much sense to us. Then why is it that when we thinkg about Jesus and Christianity our minds revert back to Cheap Grace and we take everything for granted. We have stained the pure meaning of what Grace really is.

I think for myself many times I calculate. My mind starts to turn without me even knowing. Many times I catch myself thing "If I did this for them...why are they not doing this for me in return?" or "I was gracious to them...why are they not gracious to me?" or something of those lines. In the end it really means that I do things because I want others to do something back for me, or its something I subconsciously expect.

Then I think about Jesus. Grace, although we were told as a child in Sunday School that its free that we don't have to do anything to deserve it...it was paid for by a cost, the cost of Jesus Christ. Everything from the time of Genesis there was always a blood sacrifice or a cost for forgiveness. I think in our generation many of us have forgotten that. That the Grace that we've received has been paid for by Christ. I think about Jesus that He knew from the beginning of time that I would sin, betray, and nail him back on the cross day after day after day...yet He still chose to go on the cross...wanting nothing back from me except for me to realize one day that He loves me that much.

I don't understand God sometimes...why He would do the things He's done...and how could his love me that great and compassionate. He humbles me daily because even with all this knowledge I sin and I fall and I betray. I forget, I'm such a human...and no act of mine is righteous or good compared to Christ.

Christian Economics...nothing is ever "free", maybe it seems free to us but in reality Jesus bled and died for our freedom...we will never be perfect in our words or our actions but let's at the least never forget what He's done.