How heavy is your cross?

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. ²⁷And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. - Luke 14:26-27 

God always questions me. He asks me,"Will you still love me?", "Would you give this up for me?", "Am I better than this?". A few days ago while driving God showed me myself in a wheelchair. I was paralyzed. I was in front of the church and I was there to give a testimony of some kind. God asked me, "What would you say? Would you still love me? Is my grace sufficient?". I think its probably the first time in my life, deep in my gut, I thought..."I'd rather kill myself. I'd rather that however you made me paralyzed you killed me instead and finished the job". Then the question came to my head..."How heavy is my cross?".

It's too easy to "know" God. It's way too easy to write blogs and say the right things. But to actually execute our faith intentionally and to carry the cross. It's a whole new world of effort. To know it in our heads. To feel it in our hearts. It comes but for that thought and feeling to manifest itself into this world so that we can be the light to it...that's sometimes something of a miracle. When everything in the world is good. When we have our strength and when we have our hands and feet to move. Its easy to say that we believe in God and that God is good and sufficient. But about when it sucks. When we're paralyzed maybe not even physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually paralyzed. When we pray and pray and there is no answer. When we cry and cry and there is no restoration. What about then, Is your God still Good? 

I thought about really being paralyzed, stuck in a wheel chair. I thought of never being able to pursue a girl, in fear of burdening her. Never being able to have children, always needing someone to push me and go out of their way for me. But i decided. I would live for God. Even if for years and years I have to be by myself and endure the deep deep sadness I would feel all those years, I would still live, just to show the world "Yes, God. God is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient". I'm not saying this to put myself on a high horse. It's really what in my heart I decided I would do but I still pray that it would never come to that. But I hope that we as Christians can really ask ourselves questions like this. 

How heavy is our cross? How much are we willing to carry? Through deaths of our loved ones, brokenness of our children, through financial bankruptcies, and all ugliness this world can bring to us. Is God sufficient for us? It's really scary and depressing but...yeh I don't know why God makes me envision and answer to these situations and questions.