How heavy is your cross?

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. ²⁷And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. - Luke 14:26-27 

God always questions me. He asks me,"Will you still love me?", "Would you give this up for me?", "Am I better than this?". A few days ago while driving God showed me myself in a wheelchair. I was paralyzed. I was in front of the church and I was there to give a testimony of some kind. God asked me, "What would you say? Would you still love me? Is my grace sufficient?". I think its probably the first time in my life, deep in my gut, I thought..."I'd rather kill myself. I'd rather that however you made me paralyzed you killed me instead and finished the job". Then the question came to my head..."How heavy is my cross?".

It's too easy to "know" God. It's way too easy to write blogs and say the right things. But to actually execute our faith intentionally and to carry the cross. It's a whole new world of effort. To know it in our heads. To feel it in our hearts. It comes but for that thought and feeling to manifest itself into this world so that we can be the light to it...that's sometimes something of a miracle. When everything in the world is good. When we have our strength and when we have our hands and feet to move. Its easy to say that we believe in God and that God is good and sufficient. But about when it sucks. When we're paralyzed maybe not even physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually paralyzed. When we pray and pray and there is no answer. When we cry and cry and there is no restoration. What about then, Is your God still Good? 

I thought about really being paralyzed, stuck in a wheel chair. I thought of never being able to pursue a girl, in fear of burdening her. Never being able to have children, always needing someone to push me and go out of their way for me. But i decided. I would live for God. Even if for years and years I have to be by myself and endure the deep deep sadness I would feel all those years, I would still live, just to show the world "Yes, God. God is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient". I'm not saying this to put myself on a high horse. It's really what in my heart I decided I would do but I still pray that it would never come to that. But I hope that we as Christians can really ask ourselves questions like this. 

How heavy is our cross? How much are we willing to carry? Through deaths of our loved ones, brokenness of our children, through financial bankruptcies, and all ugliness this world can bring to us. Is God sufficient for us? It's really scary and depressing but...yeh I don't know why God makes me envision and answer to these situations and questions. 

Be Still

"Be still and know that I am God" - Psalms 46:10

I absolutely love this verse. Its so simple but it shows God's confidence and His power so much. "Just calm down and Be still!", thats how I feel that God is saying that to me like a true father would say to his child, a loving rebuke. This verse is so hard for me to follow though because inside me there is this longing to be a "self-made" man. I want to do everything with my own two hands. When I was younger and my parents used to nag me I used to tell them, "For one year, don't nag me about anything, and I'll show you what I can do". That year I worked my self into some Honor classes from all the "extra needs" classes that I was in, just to prove to them that if I wanted I can do it (after that year I dropped my honor classes and went back into reg. HAHA). I don't think being a designer or an artist helps either. We're taught to make things. To plan, to create, to visualize, to convince people with our words that our ideas are the best and in the end to come up with something tangible, something we can hold in our hands and show the world that WE are the ones who created it and designed it. We are the potter.

Lately I feel God telling me to be still. It really...it really kills me. I want to do something. Be active. Plan something. Convince someone. Or I don't know just be actively pursuing a goal. But I just can't get myself to. Sometimes I sit here and I feel so dap dap hae because I feel like I should be doing something but then I can't. I don't know if I'm explaining it right but its definitely not a feeling that I can explain fully. I feel like all of us try to do that. The world tells us "Take control of your life! If you want it pursue it! If you want it fight for it! If you want to make it happen!". But God sometimes just tells us..."Be still and know that I am God".

Today I've decided to be still. Whether it be work related, relationship related, family related, or future related...I'm going to just be still. I don't want to manipulate anything or taint anything with myself. Not that I want to sit here and be a bum but I want to know that everything was of God. I want to just be still and know that it was God and not me....

God...you better show yourself. HA!

There is a problem!

We all know that Korea and the US are the two biggest mission sending countries in the world. We pat ourselves on the back for this and think that this is enough. But did you know? Korean sends about 20,000 missionaries all over the world but in Korea itself our homeland, where some of us were born and some of us grew up there is an invasion going on but we are all blind to it. In the small country of Korea there is about 30,000 Muslim men sent by the muslim nations with the missions minded goal of marrying Korean woman and raising up muslim children in Korea. Think about it. Let's say each family has about 3-4 children that means that in Korea alone there will be about 90,000-120,000 native korean muslims in our country. 20,000 missionaries ALL OVER the world compared to 90-120,000 in one country! We need to refocus and stop letting the devil deceive us into thinking that we are doing enough!

Today in America about 43% of Christian Pastors believe that ALL religion can save your soul! UMC (United Methodist Church) and PCUSA (Presybertian Church of USA) have all allowed ordinations of gay and lesbian pastors. A large percentage of christians today believe that Evolution is true and that Genesis is just a bible story or that we can interpret the Word with our own presupposition. But don't you know? Without Genesis there is no Bible. If Genesis is wrong than the rest of the Bible is open for interpretation and can be fallible. The leading Evolutionist of our time do not even try to disprove the Bible anymore. Why? Because Christian leaders disprove it ourselves!

I want to beat my chest over and over again because I'm so dap dap hae. I don't know what to do and I don't see anything that I can do. The epidemic is so large and sin is so widespread. Then I remember. I remember how Big our world is. How complicated all livings things are and that Our God created it and said that it was good. I know I can't do much to impact every aspect of whats going wrong with our times but if I can be used a little. To impact one life at a time. Then I hope that I can be used. I end with lyrics from a song...

Send Revival, Start with Me

For I am one with Unclean Lips

And My Eyes have Seen the King

Your Glory I have Glimpsed

Send Revival, Start with Me

I hope that we can all look into ourselves today and repent. Repent for our laziness. Repent for our comforts. Repent for our ignorance. Repent for our selfishness. Because maybe we can't solve everything but we can repent so that God can revive us. Then together we can do it.